Twilight in Five Minutes

BELLA: I'm dependent, weak, clumsy, and appealingly feminine.

MIKE: Hello, Bella. I'm your self-appointed lapdog. I will love you and worship you and protect you from harm and never leave your side.

BELLA: Piss off. Your obsessive, immediate devotion skeeves me.

EDWARD: I'm gorgeous, dark, mysterious, and appealingly masculine.

BELLA: Oh look, something male and physically attractive. Hello, Physically Attractive Male!

EDWARD: (Spotting Bella) --grumblesnarlgrowlglower--

BELLA: Oh no! Physically Attractive Male hates me! Whatever did I do to deserve such unwarranted hatred?

EDWARD: --snarlgnashgrumblefume--

BELLA: How suspicious and heartbreaking that he hates me so. Oh well—he's beautiful, so all his wrongs are to be forgiven.

Here, BELLA is nearly smooshed by a car. EDWARD, however, displays inhuman abilities and SAVES her.

BELLA: Edward! You saved my life! I love you!

EDWARD: (Muttering under his breath) --Darkmysterioussuperpowerssnarlsmirkswagger--

Here, BELLA discovers that EDWARD is a vampire. This does not put her off in the least.

BELLA: You're beautiful.

EDWARD: You smell delicious.

BELLA: You're beautiful. I love you.

EDWARD: You smell delicious. I hate you.

Here, BELLA becomes the subject of street harassment. EDWARD saves her. Again.

EDWARD: You've wandered into a bad part of town and I must save you. Again.

BELLA: Edward! You saved my life! Again! I love you more!

EDWARD: You shouldn't be around me. I'm dangerous.

BELLA: No, you're not.

EDWARD: I'm dangerous.

BELLA: No, you're not.

EDWARD: The natives have legends of how dangerous I am.

BELLA: You can't be dangerous. You're too beautiful.

EDWARD: Listen, bitch, I could kill you with a crooked glance.

Here, BELLA realizes that EDWARD is, in fact, dangerous.

BELLA: Oh no! Edward's dangerous! He is, however, beautiful, so I love him anyway.

EDWARD is DEEPLY TOUCHED that BELLA loves him. Abruptly, he decides to love her as well.

EDWARD: Hello, Bella. I'm your self-appointed lapdog. I will love you and worship you and protect you from harm and never leave your side.

BELLA: Oh swoon! Your obsessive, immediate devotion warms my heart!

MIKE: Hey!

EDWARD: Our romance can never be. I'm dangerous.

BELLA: I don't care. I love you. You're beautiful.

EDWARD: (Sniffs Bella) Damn, you smell delicious. (A pause.) Okay. Sure. I love you. Full speed ahead with the romance.

Here, BELLA meets RANDOM VAMPIRES no. 1-5.

EDWARD: Hey, the sun's out. Let me whisk you off into the unknown Washington wilderness while letting your dad believe you're shopping in Seattle.

BELLA: Okay. I'm dependent and weak and can't think or speak for myself because I'm a woman, so even though I'm pissing my pants over here, I'll go along with whatever you say, Sweet Edward.

(FEMINISTS EVERYWHERE grind their teeth and/or spit fire.)

BELLA: --grumblepoutIdontwannabehere--

EDWARD: (Steps into the sun) Look! Glow-in-the-Sun Vampire™!

BELLA: Oh Edward! Your freakishly sparkly skin captivates me and deepens my already-intense, burning passion for you!

Here, BELLA and EDWARD spend much time discussing their respective DELICIOUS SMELL and STUNNING BEAUTY. Eventually, the AUTHOR realizes that she has no TANGIBLE PLOT. So she attempts to create one.

EVIL VAMPIRE: BWAHAHAHAHA! I am EVIL! Do you hear my EVIL cackle? And do you see my EVIL burgundy eyes? And do you see me peer at Bella in an EVIL fashion?

EDWARD & RANDOM VAMPIRES no. 1-5: That vampire is EVIL. We must remove Bella from the immediate area at once.

BELLA: Wait, what?

Here, BELLA and RANDOM VAMPIRES no. 1-5 flee to Phoenix. Somehow, EVIL VAMPIRE manages to track her there. He forms an EVIL plan to torture her, which, in order to succeed, requires BELLA to do something INCREDIBLY STUPID. Conveniently, BELLA is someone who does STUPID things on a regular basis. She falls for the trap and is BITTEN by the EVIL VAMPIRE. However, EDWARD & RANDOM VAMPIRES no. 1-5 show up and scare EVIL VAMPIRE away. EDWARD then prevents BELLA from becoming a vampire by sucking the VAMPIRE VENOM from her bite wound.

BELLA: Oh Sweet Edward! You saved my life! Again! I will keep loving you forever and ever!

RANDOM VAMPIRES no. 1-5: Hey, what about us?

BELLA: Huh? Who are you?

There is much lovey-doveyness.

BELLA: I love you because you're beautiful.

EDWARD: I love you because you smell delicious.